we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
