Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
