You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You need Xanax blowdarts
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
