yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
