This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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