the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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