literally had 100 drinks last night.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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