I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
