I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
