I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
