You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
