I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My feet surprised me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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