TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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