I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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