It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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