I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
