That's when you crack a 10am beer
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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