I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
