wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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