So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
