Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
