Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
two words: eviction party
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
