I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
