I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
