So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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