Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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