so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
