Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
