The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
