why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
