"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
