Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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