My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
