Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
