She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
