I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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