i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
