I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
