he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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