Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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