I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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