It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
