I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
