She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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