I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
