I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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