this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
