haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
