im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
