9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
