Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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