I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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