Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
