She just used a chaser for red wine.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
