Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
