I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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