well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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