Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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