just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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