can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
