12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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