I want to make a zoo with you.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
